What does it feel like to be an Alcoholic?

You have all read “questions to tell you if you have trouble with alcohol” or “ten signs that you are an alcoholic.” This is not that kind of story. This is the story of what it feels like, deep inside, when alcohol takes over your life. This is a day in the life of an alcoholic.

You wake up feeling rotten. Sleep was disturbed. You go from passed out to waking up every 15 minutes. When its finally time to get up, the throbbing head pain is there to greet you. Like some type of crazy percussion instrument - boom! boom! Is this the feeling of alcohol or just the feeling of morning - who knows since they go together so tightly.

The promises and pledges start. Today is the day I give up drinking. Never again. I won’t let my life go like this. I will stop. Today. It becomes a mantra - a prayer - a chant. I won’t drink ever again. That was it. No more. I won’t drink ever again.

And you mean it. You really are sincere. This is really it. All those promises from the past are forgotten. This is a new day. This is the day you really will get sober. Stay clean. Be healthy. Be the person you really want to be.

You made it through breakfast. SEE - you can do it. You can stop drinking. Sure, you failed in the past, but this time you really mean it. Maybe you didn’t really mean it all the other times. This is different.

You’re on a roll. Getting dressed. Will throw out that empty bottle when I leave the house and never bring another bottle of booze into this house. You’re resolved. No question.

Off to work. Feeling edgy. Feeling unsure. Feeling just a bit off. Well, its probably just the hangover. It will pass, and you’ll never have one again. This is a good day.

You make it to 3 PM. This is easy. A piece of cake. Your boss asks you to come into his office at 3:30 PM. What is this about? Did he know you were drinking last night? Did he smell it on your breath. Are you going to get fired? What will you do without a job? Who will pay the bills? You obsess for 30 minutes. Your head runs wild. You need something to calm you down. You need something to slow down your mind. You need a drink but you are not

drinking anymore. Just forget that. Ever try to forget something that is in your mind every second.

It is 3:30. You enter you bosses office, only to find that it was a group meeting - not about you at all. All that worry for nothing. But the worry stays. The issue goes away but the worry and obsession stay. Why? What is this? Things went right and you are just as upset as if they went wrong. You are coming down off the alcohol and nothing can feel right.

But, you are back on track - you tell yourself. Its almost time to go home. You tell yourself you are not drinking anymore. Not. Not. Not. You mean it. But the drive home takes you past your favorite booze store. No. No. You repeat endlessly NO. And then you turn into the store as if possessed. You don’t want to be there but you are there none the less. You don’t want to drink anymore, but you are in line buying a bottle. You hate yourself with a passion for hatred you didn’t know you had.

How can you do this? Why is this happening? But as you walk in the door of your home, you are driven to open that bottle, throw down that first drink - and you sigh. Relief. You needed it.

And your chant changes to “I will start tomorrow. Honest.” I will never drink again starting tomorrow. And, even as you say it, you know you are doomed to this circle of hope and desperation.

Is this what your life feels like? This is alcoholism. There is help.

Submitted by alcoholism for dummies

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